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Kansas City Star (May 7, 2005) - 5/9/05 Here come the regrets By TIM ENGLE The Kansas City Star Georgia's “runaway bride” has been all the talk: Was her ginormous wedding simply too much to deal with? And what was the deal with covering her head in the airport? Now, however, it's time for the truth: Julia Roberts movies to the contrary, very few brides (or grooms) actually back out of their weddings at the last minute. It almost never happens, according to local wedding experts. Here are 14 quick reality checks (one for each of Jennifer Wilbanks' bridesmaids): 1. To reiterate: Weddings are almost never called off the day of the event or even a week before. “We've never had one not happen” in 20-plus years, says Bill Frey at the Ritz Charles, an Overland Park meeting and banquet site. Floral designer Craig Sole says just two or three of the 70 to 90 weddings he does each year are canceled, but that happens weeks or months beforehand. 2. The desire to cut and run doesn't necessarily mean the bride doesn't want to marry the groom, or vice versa. Sometimes the wedding just gets out of control. Brides typically want an event that's “lavish and elegant, yet classic and fun,” says Trisha Sims of Marry Me Wedding & Event Planners in Prairie Village. But that can be a tall order. If it all gets to be too much, one option is to push the wedding back six to nine months or a year. 3. Another reason the “Stop” button gets pushed: Once the engagement is announced, a spotlight is suddenly on the couple. “Sometimes you realize there are imperfections in the relationship that are really highlighted, so people will just call off the wedding and possibly the relationship,” Sims says. 4. Both parties can get cold feet. “The bride is going to blame the groom, and the groom is going to blame the bride,” says event planner Mike Gehrs with KC Site Finders. “That's what happened to me last time.” 5. Sure, some couples just decide they're not meant to be together. But of weddings that are called off months before the date, it's more common that a death or illness in one of the families is the reason. 6. When in doubt, simplify. Fourteen bridesmaids is “a freak of a wedding,” floral designer Sole says. Four is the average, he says. Trying to control “a small town at the altar” is an indicator, he says, that Wilbanks couldn't say no. 7. Brides, ask for help. That can include family (yes, even the groom's family) and friends. Or hire a wedding coordinator. Whomever you enlist should be able to take some of the pressure off. In the case of Wilbanks, “a good planner would've known she was ready to bolt and would have stepped in and started talking about scaling it down,” Gehrs says. 8. One good reason to go through with it: Everything's paid for, or just about everything. It's rare, but not unheard of, that a wedding will be called off but the party goes on, “and usually without one side of the family there,” Gehrs says. Sims estimates that $15,000 to $20,000 is the median cost of a wedding around here. 9. On the other hand, don't assume you're out all that money. Vendors can be sympathetic, especially if you're just postponing the event. They'll probably hang on to your initial down payment, but they may be willing to apply it toward another date. Brides make a payment of half the cost of their wedding dress when they order — and don't have to lose that money, says wedding consultant Kristie Bowen, with Memory Makers in Lawrence. They're better off paying off the balance and trying to sell the dress. 10. Speaking of that, you can find “never worn” wedding dresses in newspaper classified ads. Of two we called, one might have been a case of called-off nuptials: The woman politely but firmly told us she wanted no part of this story. 11. Weddings usually don't get canceled within weeks of the ceremony, but sometimes marriages do. Frey at the Ritz Charles is aware of a few marriages that crumbled within weeks or months of the ceremony. Rabbi Mark Levin at Congregation Beth Torah in Overland Park says: “I've seen people get divorced in two weeks (of the wedding). I've seen it in two days.” 12. Marriage preparation classes might make a difference. “We're really trying to give people a good look at what they're getting into so there are fewer surprises once they get married,” said the Rev. Alexander Sinclair at St. Raphael's Catholic Church in Kansas City, North. The church recommends classes with married couples in the parish, plus an Engaged Encounter weekend retreat. Levin at Beth Torah thinks couples benefit more from marriage classes once they're actually married, in the first six months. 13. When should a bride or groom call it off? The Web site ThereGoesTheBride.com (promoting the book by Rachel Safier) lists 10 “non-negotiable” reasons. No. 1: If your intended hurts you. “Call it off. There are no second chances when violence is involved.” 14. Couples who do call it off after invitations were mailed need to think of their guests first. “Obviously all the guests have to be called,” says etiquette instructor Cathy Corey of Leawood. Family members, not the bride or groom, should make those calls (a script might help). After that, follow-up apology notes should be mailed out. And yes, all the gifts have to be returned. And attendants should be reimbursed for bridesmaid dresses and tux rentals. “Seriously, there's not a whole lot you can do other than dig deep in your pockets and write a heartfelt note to thank everyone who was planning on coming,” Corey says. Miss Manners, aka Judith Martin, whose column appears Mondays in FYI, says if formal invitations were sent out, formal dis-invitations need to be mailed, too. In her book Miss Manners on Weddings, she suggests this wording: Mr. and Mrs. Theodore Bishop Right announce that the marriage of their daughter Lauren Whitney to Mr. Maxwell Scott Niceley will not take place As for guests who receive a notice like that, they should resist the urge to call, Martin says. It's better to send a note to the un-bride or groom along the lines of “I wish you all the best, and would love to see you.”
Past press on 'There Goes the Bride' below.
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The Bride
by Rachel Safier
with Wendy
Roberts, LCSW
(Jossey-Bass,
2003).
In bookstores
this April.
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