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New York Newsday (May 3, 2005) - 5/8/05

Cold feet? Dos and don'ts for calling off the wedding BY STEPHEN WILLIAMS Newsday May 3, 2005, 9:27 AM EDT There's cold feet, and there's cold feet. Jennifer Lopez had cold feet: She ditched fiance Ben Affleck a week before the planned wedding, called the guests, returned the gifts, took the heat. Next. Jennifer Wilbanks had cold feet: To escape her nuptials, the groom and the 600 invited guests, her desperation led her to get on a bus. To Las Vegas. From Georgia. Her disappearance led to a massive search; she later lied to police that she'd been kidnapped. "Sometimes you do get on the metaphorical bus, but she took it way too far," said Rachel Safier of the troubled Wilbanks. "She actually got on the bus." Safier is enjoying much celebrity today. Two years ago, she chronicled her two-weeks-before-the-wedding breakup, and the traumatic and occasionally transcendent aftermath, in a book called "There Goes the Bride: Making Up Your Mind, Calling It Off, and Moving On." While relationship counselors understand that wedding-day jitters and nerves are perfectly natural -- and that one out of five couples actually separate after the wedding plans are set -- they do suggest an emergency backout plan. If the scenario becomes worst-case, "first, tell the guests," said Cheryl Galvez, who operates a Westbury-based Web site, www.blissweddings.com. "Emily Post says you need to handwrite a note, or make a phone call. Don't do e-mails. "Next, the ring. You don't have to return the ring, because that was a gift. But why would you want to hold onto something that reminds you of that person? Pawn it. "Then the dress. Most shops won't take returns, so auction it off on eBay. "The venue. They'll apply a hefty cancellation fee, even with as much as two weeks notice. Same for the DJs, florists, photographers. They'll keep up to 50 percent of the fee. "You should return all gifts promptly, with a handwritten note saying thanks. No need to go into detail about the split or explain." One thing, we asked: If the bride precipitates the dissolution, what about telling the groom? "Oh, yeah. Tell the groom." Safier is hopeful that the current publicity might lead more couples to talk about their futures together, to forestall a last-minute collapse. "Like, when one says she's going out jogging, the other can say, 'Honey, are you really going out jogging?'" Safier collects stories on her site from those who pulled the plug. An example from "Kelly": I calmly called him at work, and said, "Are you cheating on me?" I was SURE he would die laughing or be mad at me for even asking such a ridiculous question, but I had to ask. And his answer? A quiet "Yes." Next. Almost inevitably, the person that calls the break will feel huge relief and horrible guilt. Apparently these and other feelings got mixed up in the 32-year-old Wilbanks, who could still face a felony charge for falsely claiming to police she'd been kidnapped after she disappeared. John Mason, the jilted groom-to-be who isn't much phased by his afianced's antics, said Monrday that he still plans to marry her. "Just because we haven't walked down the aisle, just because we haven't stood in front of 500 people and said our 'I do's', my commitment before God to her was the day I bought that ring ... " Mason said. He added, "Haven't we all made mistakes?" Copyright 2005 Newsday Inc.

Past press on 'There Goes the Bride' below.

Find it on Amazon.com



There Goes
The Bride

by Rachel Safier
with Wendy
Roberts, LCSW
(Jossey-Bass,
2003).
In bookstores
this April.

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