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St. Petersburg Times (May 5, 2005) - 5/7/05 Lifting the veil on wedding jitters The bride-to-be who made a run for it has the sympathy of many people who have planned a marriage ceremony. Their advice: Don't sweat the details. By EMILY NIPPS, Times Staff Writer Published May 5, 2005 TAMPA -- Laura Fernandez is supposed to be married next month. You can see it in her bugged-out eyes. She hasn't done her hair, a wild puff of blond curls, in two months. She mismatches her outfits. She is psycho, manic, out-of-her-mind stressed out. "I'm evil," the 28-year-old art teacher said during a visit to a Tampa bridal shop, where she was buying a bag for her dress. "I'm absolutely crazy right now. No one can talk to me. My family -- they're over me." She's not the type to act like this, or so she thought. She wasn't one of those girls who dressed up as a bride for Halloween or thumbed through bridal magazines as a 20-something. But now here she is, snapping at her loved ones, fretting over the menu for her 200 guests and being downright "negative," according to one of her six bridesmaids. Could it ever get to the point where she'd run off on her fiance, Tony? Never, she insists. But don't think the idea hasn't crossed her mind. Even before the now-infamous Georgia bride-to-be Jennifer Wilbanks disappeared last week, prompting a three-day search in her hometown of Duluth and a frenzy on cable TV, Fernandez had a funny thought. Fernandez, an avid runner, remembers joking with a girlfriend weeks ago when the wedding craziness started to sink in. "If I happen to take a run that's a little too long," she told her friend, "you know what happened." Then the Wilbanks story broke. She went missing the week before her wedding, then turned up in Albuquerque. She first claimed she was abducted, then admitted the truth: She had freaked out. Prominent parents. A tight-knit town. Six hundred invited guests. Fourteen bridesmaids. How does one bow out gracefully? Only someone who has planned a wedding can begin to understand. "There's nothing you could do," Fernandez said, "but run away." Four years ago, Washington, D.C., writer Rachel Safier was engaged to a wonderful man. The two shared a home, a dog and lots of friends. They planned their wedding for 10 months, picking out the perfect flowers, reception site and rabbi. They sent out invitations to 150 guests. Two weeks before the big day, Safier's fiance called off the wedding. Safier, 35, was heartbroken, terrified and humiliated as she mailed out "those Miss Manners-esque" printed cancellation announcements to those same 150 people. She was also hugely relieved, having dismissed her own doubts several times as the wedding date neared. "I consider myself a very forthright person," she said. "But I couldn't just come out and say I didn't want to get married. I didn't confide in anybody. I kept thinking, "This feeling is going to go away. This is ridiculous, I'm getting married to a great guy'." Safier later wrote about her humbling experience. She interviewed many "almost brides," including 62 who made it into her 2003 book, titled There Goes the Bride. She also created the Web site ThereGoesTheBride.com, where thousands have gathered to discuss their doubts and broken engagements. The women (and sometimes men) post topics with headings such as, "Sick to My Stomach" and "UGH! What did I get myself INTO!" Some of the formerly engaged were dumped by their significant others. ("I think of him every day and pray that God will bring him back," mpoppins posted in February.) Some had perfectly good reasons to abandon their wedding plans, citing cheating or abusive fiances or other major relationship issues. ("I snooped on his computer and he's done searches for women IN OUR AREA on 3 different online dating sites," jules posted Monday.) Happy with their sudden singlehood or not, almost all harbor feelings of guilt, anxiety and embarrassment. "If you look at all these women who called off their weddings, every posting starts with, "I know I must be crazy,' " Safier said. "As trite as it sounds, we do want some great guy on one knee with a ring. And when we have that, we think something must be wrong with us to throw it away." Safier has become somewhat of a national expert on cold feet. The day news broke that Wilbanks was merely a runaway bride, she got calls from Good Morning America, The Early Show and dozens of news reporters and radio stations. A British journalist wanted to know, "Is this going to cause more people to get cold feet?" Safier doesn't think so. "What it will do is cause people to talk about it," she said. "In our lifetimes, we're probably never going to see anything like this again. This gives us a real person so we can go, "Oh boy, I remember that one lady who ran away from her own wedding'." In 20 years, Tampa Bay area wedding coordinator Bobbi Hicks has seen only one wedding get canceled just before the ceremony. It was last year, and the groom called it off. He informed his bride by e-mail. "I know it came from his mother," Hicks said. "She was a little controlling." It's rare to see a woman walk away, she said. If nothing else, bailing is terribly expensive. Once the caterer and the DJ and florist and the dresses have been paid for, good luck getting that money back. And the average wedding costs over $20,000. Jennifer Fitzsimmons, another area wedding planner, has seen brides turn absolutely batty in those final weeks, and some confide that they should have eloped. "I think brides, especially in those two weeks before the wedding, feel all this pressure to make everyone happy," Fitzsimmons said. "So I can definitely understand where someone would get to that point. I've seen the nicest people go a little crazy." Too much attention to detail can do that to a person. Perhaps the bride wants her bridesmaids to stand in a certain order (like shortest to tallest), or she wants the stamps on the invitations to bear pink roses rather than red ones. Fitzsimmons empathizes with her clients' quest to create a beautiful day, but it's her job to step in when things get out of control. "Sometimes I think, "Oh my God'," she said. "It's just rose petals." Try telling that to Fernandez, who wakes up some mornings when it is still dark outside and frets about little things. She recently spent an entire weekend making picture holder wedding favors out of clay, wire and beads. She also had her final dress-fitting, so now she feels she cannot gain or lose a pound. "I still don't have my jewelry," she said. "And my hair. That's been a big source of stress. It's curly, so I can't have it down, can't have it straight. I'll have to wear it up." With all of these details to think about, it's easy to lose sight of what will be waiting at the end. Tony. Tony, who was with her when she changed careers, from retail to teaching. Tony, whom she has moved with three times. Tony, who lived through a flood and months of home renovations with her. All of which prepared them for the true test, which, as of now, is still on. "If we can just get through this wedding," Fernandez said, "we'll definitely be together for life." -- Emily Nipps can be reached at 352 848-1430 or nipps@sptimes.com
Past press on 'There Goes the Bride' below.
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The Bride
by Rachel Safier
with Wendy
Roberts, LCSW
(Jossey-Bass,
2003).
In bookstores
this April.
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