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Pittsburgh Post Gazette (May 3, 2005) - 5/7/05

Dealing with the details when you say, 'I don't' Tuesday, May 03, 2005 By Monica L. Haynes, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette Thanks to a certain bride-not-to-be in Georgia, we all now know how not to call off a wedding. Instead of getting married Saturday, runaway bride Jennifer Wilbanks was hiding her face from photographers after concocting a story about being kidnapped to avoid her lavish 600-guest wedding. But how does a bride and groom properly cancel that walk down the aisle when they've gone from having cold feet to becoming a human Popsicle? "We've definitely heard a lot about canceled weddings, but we've never heard anything like this, where a bride just disappeared," said Emily Upham Howell, spokeswoman for The Emily Post Institute. If one does decide to formally call off the nuptials rather than hop a bus to Vegas, communication is important, she said. Once a bride begins to have serious doubts, she needs to talk to her fiance. If it's the groom who's feeling shaky, the same applies. If they decide to cancel or postpone the event, Howell said, the hosts, usually the parents of the bride and groom, are told. The hosts then begin the difficult task of informing guests. "If there's enough time you can send out a printed announcement," she said. If not, the bride and groom can solicit the help of bridal party members to call wedding guests to let them know the wedding has been canceled or postponed. Gifts should be returned with a note explaining the situation. "Clearly this is going to be painful and upsetting for many people besides the bride and groom," Howell said. "Emotions will be running high." Pittsburgh wedding consultant Deb Waterkotte has helped make the phone calls when a wedding has been nixed. "I've probably done that 10 times in the last 16 years," she said. "That is a real feeling, the cold feet and the fearfulness." Wedding planning is very stressful and can lead to huge disagreements and very anxious moments for couples. Waterkotte recommends that couples seek counseling when doubts arise to help determine if it's a case of pre-wedding jitters or something more serious. Once, a couple has decided to call things off, it's almost impossible to recoup any of the money expended. "It's really up to the servicer and what's on the contract," Waterkotte said. For the most part, however, deposits are lost. When a wedding is only a week away, the hall has been paid for, florists have incurred costs of ordering flowers, caterers have ordered the food, and bands and photographers cannot book another engagement on such short notice. "It's almost better to go ahead and throw the party," she said. Rachel Safier has written the book on canceling a wedding -- literally. After expressing serious doubts two months before her nupitals, her fiance decided two weeks beforehand that Safier's heart just wasn't in it and called it off. Safier co-wrote a book two years ago about the experience called "There Goes the Bride: Making Up Your Mind, Calling It Off and Moving On." Safier also has a Web site where "almost brides" can chat about their experiences and find useful information about when and how to cancel a wedding. In light of Wilbanks' story, Safier said she's been getting a lot of e-mail from women who have thought about running away from it all before they decided to take a more rational approach. "If you feel like you do need to make yourself scarce, you have to write a Dear John letter at the very least," Safier said. "There's no great way to break somebody's heart, but it's a lot better than thinking somebody's been kidnapped or killed." That said, Safier certainly can sympathize with Wilbanks. "I found it paralyzing when I didn't want to get married," she said. "It just felt wrong. I couldn't understand why I was having cold feet." Safier said she was recently asked by a British journalist if she felt Wilbanks' actions will prompt more women to head for the hills instead of the wedding chapel. She said she doesn't think so because getting cold feet is pretty common. What it probably will do, she said, is motivate more couples to have the kind of discussions they should have had in the first place. "Anytime that there's communication, " she said, "it's only for the better." (Monica Haynes can be reached at mhaynes@post-gazette.com or 412-263-1660.)

Past press on 'There Goes the Bride' below.

Find it on Amazon.com



There Goes
The Bride

by Rachel Safier
with Wendy
Roberts, LCSW
(Jossey-Bass,
2003).
In bookstores
this April.

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