There are Cold Feet and there are Frozen Footsies.

Many problems can be fixed or simply aren't important in a life of imperfect humans trying their hardest. But these points are non-negotiable:

1. If your fi hurts you: Call it off. There are no second chances when violence is involved.

2. Emotional violence is harder to spot. If your fi disrespects you/has habits, friends, views that you find disrespectful: Speak up. Respect should be a no-brainer, and actions including constant criticism are definitely a red flag, but it is possible that your fi isn't aware of his hurtful words. It's also important to realize that 'endearing' traits like possessiveness can develop into physical violence. If after making yourself clear, the emotional violence doesn't stop, run.

3. How about if it's his mother who's rotten? Many mother-in-laws are none too pleased about their future daughter-in-laws homing in. You'd think moms would be happy to see their sons happy, but that's not the case for many women. As for your situation, Rome wasn't built in a day, and if you're going to call off the wedding because someone in your fiancé’s circle is less than enamored of you, well then, do it now. The more important question is: Does your fiancé stand up for you? This is part and parcel of point number two. Your marriage has to be the top priority, you have to be a team and he's got to be a man, or his mother can have her little boy back.

4. Marriage doesn't fix problems, it only makes them permanent. If you're going into this in the hopes that signing on the dotted line will make one of you stop cheating, stop finding the other sex more appealing, or generally compel you to clean up your act, you're fooling yourself. As the poet Maya Angelou so wisely said: "When someone shows you who he is, believe him."

5. On the same line of reasoning, if you're going into this in the hopes that you can change him once it's 'legal', see above. If you believe he wants to change you, see above. Marriage should be about pledging your future to someone you want to grow old with. As he is, as you are, forever. Does that sound too long?

6. Communication is key. Read this book, talk to your friends, see a therapist. But if you want to tie your future to his, you must be able to talk about everything. If you worry about bringing some topics up for fear of his reaction, or if he is unable to speak clearly and openly about his own wants and needs, you will have trouble. Marriage isn't dating and it isn't just a friendship. There is no skating over the rough spots.

7. Wedding planning is stressful. You have to decide/feel/know if your trouble is about guest lists and wedding budgets or family problems that will last longer than a day and money problems that can't be rectified. As with everything else in this list: Is your fi willing to work with you? Is this a problem that will haunt your marriage? My ex-fi and I had a doozy of a time planning our wedding. We wanted very different things: he wanted the full formal affair and I wanted to elope and, in our case, these differences reflected much more important differences between us.

8. The wedding is one day. Some women love the fairy tale, all-eyes-on-me extravaganza (can you tell I don't?) Remember: After the wedding, the couple rides off into the sunset. Is he the one you want across the breakfast table from you every morning?

9. If you find yourself saying, "I love him but…," smack yourself. Those are the most frightening four words in the English language. Those words should always be followed by scary horror movie music. They are not only a red flag, they are a tent-sized red flag with fireworks popping around them.

10. If, for whatever reason, marrying this guy doesn't resonate with you, doesn't feel wonderful (difficulties in living together or planning a wedding notwithstanding), call it off. There are cold feet, and there is the deep knowledge in you that this isn't right. A whole life together is a very long time.

Excerpted from THERE GOES THE BRIDE by Rachel Safier
with Wendy Roberts, LCSW
All rights reserved