When does it stop hurting? - 9/24/02

Dear Almost Bride,

When does it stop hurting?

-Almost Bride, Anywhere USA

Dear ABAU,

I get email from women every day. The one above is every letter from a recently disengaged woman boiled down to its essence. Because regardless of who calls it off, how long before your wedding you two part, and even how much you know in your heart that it’s the right call, calling off a wedding hurts.

According to those who contributed to THERE GOES THE BRIDE suffering can last anywhere from a couple of weeks to the better part of a year. Those in pain report lack of appetite, difficulty sleeping, and seemingly endless tears. They say they just can’t turn off the “What have I done?” and “What If?” switches in their heads. Some turn to alcohol or drugs to numb the pain. Others turn to another partner too quickly.

Those who heal quickest let themselves feel the pain, but they don’t wallow too long. They lean on their friends and family, and they treat themselves delicately (I favor long walks and longer baths.) They don’t jump too quickly into another relationship, choosing to deal with the repercussions of their broken engagement and not substitute one man with another. There are, however, happy exceptions of women who called off a wedding and then soon after began dating someone they ended up marrying. The guidelines are simple: Be true to yourself and tread lightly.

Many women find outside help essential. If after a few weeks you are still suffering intensely, and have difficulty functioning and getting your work done, you may wish to consider therapy. Check out the Resources page for a listing of organizations that can help you.

THERE GOES THE BRIDE is chock full of comforting suggestions from women who have gone through the trauma of a broken engagement. And here at theregoesthebride.com we’ve heard your call and are developing a chat function so women can talk to each other. It’ll be up soon; please check back in.

Finally, I want to tell you, from my experience and those of the many Almost Brides who contributed to THERE GOES THE BRIDE: It gets better. Not a little better, but all the way better. All the contributors to the book said the experience of a broken engagement, while painful, was a worthwhile one. All reported being happier, stronger, and more in tune with themselves once they got through the muck. You’re in the tunnel now. Push on: When you get out, the light on your face is fantastic.

Remember: The Big Day is Every Day,

The Almost Bride

Missed the last letter to The Almost Bride? Click below to read it.

• Eloping or… - 9/24/02

Suffering cold feet? Trying to figure out how to go on from here now that you or your fiancé has called it off? Not sure how to tell people the wedding's off? Wondering what to do with those 200 Jennifer & Joe embossed napkins?

In the last case, set 'em on fire. One Almost Bride found it very therapeutic. For your other questions, email the Almost Bride at TheAlmostBride@yahoo.com*

Due to the volume of e-mails, the Almost Bride can't assure that your question will be answered. Please also consider posting your concerns on our message board for help from the community.

Disclaimer: The Almost Bride is not a therapist or an attorney. She's not a licensed anything, in fact (well, she is a licensed driver, but that's neither here nor there). If you need a professional opinion, please find a professional. She's keeping her amateur status so she'll be eligible for the Runaway Bride Olympics. Wendy Roberts, LCSW, contributes to the book, but does not contribute to this website.